Didn't blog for a very long time.
And I felt like reading one of my older posts which made me realise blogging's actually important
So I will blog.

Last day of work was last Sunday. I chose to make that my last day of work because then it would be exactly three months since I started.
And I think I changed for the better in those three months.
I love myself more now, the way I am
And I love other people more as well.

Of course the people I don't need to love, I won't.
But still.
Point is, I became more open minded

And my attitude towars Singapore has changed
I don't love it now but, I can live with it.
I've been looking at the dressed up outside.
That's what I've been donig for the past three months, I've been dressing down
And I think things look better and more human when they're dressed down
I've seen the more human part of Singapore, and when something is human, I will love it.

Then I learnt Chinese, and I learnt how to deal with stupid people
I will miss that place.

Shopping non-stop now
But I feel guilty because I'm spending a lot
I didn't get allowance when I was working and I spent all my own money but now I'm getting allowance.
Which means I"m not spending my own money any more.

But I don't know if my guilt is baseless
My mother bought Gucci Guilty the other day and if she bought it it means that she must have money to spare
She asked me if I wanted to allowance increased to $400 a month
But I said no because I was worried but I don't know why I'm worried.

I should have learnt another thing
How not to be so worried.

Female horror movie villains

They are the products of the male-dominated horror film industry

Most of these female villains are sluts.

Maniacal killers dressed in sexy lingerie because men find that so very appealing

Or if the villain isn't a slut, she's a crazy old lady

It disgusts me

The lack of sex appeal is made up for with the use of fear

That I understand

What I don't understand, is why the crazy old lady never comes up on top

She's always beat down and defeated by a group of men.

Even those slutty, fucking beautiful female villains are always defeated, with the exception of Jennifer from Jennifer's Body

I understand and appreciate sex appeal, but I don't encourage using it to set stereotypes

I know that stereotypes have already been set for female horror movie villains

But these stereotypes must not be supported and encouraged.

It is time, I tell the world the two things I am most afraid of

The first, I am afraid of ever killing something, or someone.

And the second, I am afraid of being the only one left on Earth.

If you laugh and say I'm a dimwit for these things will never happen then you are sorely mistaken

I was just eating a mango and watching the film Daylight on television

And the way I eat mangoes is, I have a knife on the plate and I cut off pieces of it

I eat the skin as well you see

And I kept wondering how it would feel like to kill someone or something with that knife

Plunge it into living breathing flesh, you are aware of all the details I don't need to state them here

Not flesh of mango, flesh of living thing

It became so bad I turned off the television and brought the plate to my room, away from Nuggets should I suddenly do something very serious

I stabbed the fruit a few times, hoping it would help

Then I cut the rest of the fruit and brought the knife out to be washed and placed with the rest of the silverware

Then I abandoned the mango and cried for a while

After which I lit a candle and came online, needing some human communication in my life.

So you see, my mind is very disturbed

The images of murder and homicide in my mind truly never go away

My fascination with death, I quite like it except for one thing

What I don't like about it, and what I am afraid of, is losing control, and actually making those images come true

In which case, I sometimes have to be by myself

I be by myself so I won't cause any harm to myself with my thoughts about hurting others

The second thing is just something I've come to fear

Normally when someone has experienced something far too much, he or she becomes used to it

But I have felt lonely so much, that I fear loneliness

This is something I find very hard to understand and I don't blame you if you cannot understand it as well

My intelligence makes me feel very stupid sometimes.

I fear those two things very much.

But if you do care about me I urge you not to worry

I've grown up with those fears and I have them packed away in a little box that I've placed under my bed

They are my little boogeymen that never come out and leave me alone most of the time.

If they do come out, I will graciously put myself in an institution, and swallow the key.

Currently in question is this little boy.



I say Little Boy because that is what he is
Greyson Chance is 12 years old and that means that he is still a child
Young, and highly impressionable
Ellen has made plenty of decisions in her life, both wise and unwise ones
Giving little Greyson a record deal is, I'm sorry, one of her unwise decisions

I have nothing against children getting the recognition they deserve for being extremely talented
But, a record deal? An actual job in the music industry?
Greyson Chance might want it but that does not mean that he is ready for a record deal.
I edit myself, he is talented enough but he is certainly not ready in his mindset.

In fact, him being talented is the reason why I think giving him a record deal now is unwise
I would hate to see such passion and drive being wasted when he gets influenced by the music industry which has proven itself to be more evil than I am.
If this Greyson wants a career in music that much, he can certainly wait a while longer for one.

I'm not going to keep something like from the place where i have published all or most of my thoughts and emotions for the past two years
I met the band I have loved since the moment I laid eyes on them
Yet I met Tokio Hotel

It wasn't even official, they were making an appearance at the Audi Fashion opening show
I only knew they had come to singapore on Sunday night
On tuesday I was in a complete state of panic because everyone on twitter were going on about how they were performing at ngee an city
And I was considering going there at 8 pm on a school night

But I didn't.
I waited till the next day, after school.
And Jie'r dearest accompanied me which was very nice of her even though she had to leave before they actually arrived.
But when they did arrive, it was so fast
I only remember Bill giving me his autograph and Gustav walking, I never got to see the front of Tom or even glance at Georg before they were led away into the tent

I met this extremely nice girl Elicia and spent the time there with her and her mother
We went to that huge screen with all the Tokio Hotel fans but there wasn't anything much
So we just walked around, waited, spoke to a male model.
The models were highly good looking and I saw Lily Cole.
She's beautiful.

We took pictures with Dean and Dan from Dsquared2
They were the fashion designers who were showcasing
Well I was taking a picture with Dean or Dan but then the other twin also decide to join.
That was very nice of him to.
But anyway, the management of the Audi Fashion Festival were kind enough to let the tokio hotel fans into the tent to watch them perform.

We watched them perform the acoustic versions of Automatic and Phantomrider
Bill waved to me, I swear he did.
His voice was beautiful and the guitar was amazing and, it was just the perfect performance
I've seen to many performance videos of them but none of them prepared me for watching them live
I just, cannot forget it.

Elicia and me were smart
We rushed out and went to the back door of the tent while the rest of the Tokio HOtel fans waited at the front
Thank god we didn't go with them, or we would have never, I shudder to think about it.
We did meet some intensely bitchy ah lians but who cares, i got back at them and i'll tell you how.

Tokio Hotel came out of the back door accompanied by security
And I was like "BillBillBill!!!" in my high voice, like Afiqah told me I should and he looked at me, smiled, and walked to me first
He walked up to me, first
The man i've been watching on videos and television for so long didn't walk up to the ah lians first, he walked up to me first

I still remember him walking up to me and those few seconds made my day
Well, then he tried signing but he didn't click my pen, and I tried to help him click it, thus touching his hand, but he clicked it and signed another autograph for me
His skin is baby soft, really, and he is tall, and Tom has very long eyelashes
I have to say though, I don't like extremely straight hair, but I like Georg's
And Gustav, I love, and want, his glasses.

I got all four of their autographs, which was amazing
It was such a blur and I only remember the basics but I can still feel everything
I just don't know how to describe it, It was one of the best days ever
I didn't cry, I teared a little but I didn't cry
I feel as if something has been put into place, but I am suffering from Tokio Hotel withdrawal symptoms.
Well, when they come back, I'll be there.

The world is an incredibly, screwed place isn't it.
Probably more screwed than nuts and bolts on a coffin
But that is far from my point.
Even the most insensitive person is afraid of horror films
I will admit, so am I.

But I am more afraid of propaganda
Think of how disgusting it is
To have to watch nothing but civilians willingly giving up their individual identities at the request of a group of people who have committed many atrocities, that those same civilians choose to turn a blind eye to.
Would you praise and lay your life in front of someone on a silver platter if that people was taking lives all over the place?

I am not being an annoying orange and shining the limelight on a group of people guilty of this.
Cough, Nazis, cough, gag
Well, they weren't the only ones.
However, and I have no clue how I was able to immediately judge that film as propaganda
I do not think I am above that
That was but one film in a sea of thousands

But, if the Singaporean government even so much as dares to put out an episode of any one of their horrible horrible dramas that contains even the slightest bit of propaganda.
I will be very very disgusted, and I will immediately go out of this country by foot if I have to.

I take the train every day ever since my mother decided to part with our beloved car

The one with the spiderweb sticker on the side

She thought a car was too much trouble so she sold it, and I didn't even get to keep the spiderweb sticker

So I'm taking the train every day, almost

I guess I found out the only thing I'm afraid of getting run over by the train.

And I'm so afraid of it that it's becoming an obsession.

I want to know what happens if I were to fall onto the tracks right when the train is five feet away from me, and I couldn't get away fast enough.

There are plenty of things that could happen to me.

1. I could stand up and run like the wind to the other end until the train stops, and then get off. This is very unlikely because trains are fast, unlike me, and I won't be able to avoid it.

2. I could do what would be wise, which would be to scurry under the platform, where they is a small space you could escape and just get my ears blown off by the defeaning noise instead.

3. If i'm right in the middle and I have no time to get up, I could watch as the train comes closer, then slices me not very neatly in half as it slides forward on the metal thing in the middle that I will be lying down on, having fallen down.

4. If I'm on either sides of the track, on the rocks parts, I'd probably have the worst. I first be crushed, and almost dead. Then my bloody-half corpse would be dragged until the train stops. If someone realizes, the train might never move and I'd just die there. Or, if no one realizes and I haven't died, the train will start up agin and I'd be dragged until enough bits of me get torn off, and then I die.

5. If my day is really, extremely unlucky, I might die before even getting to the platform. Escalators are deathly things and if the step I'm standing on gives way and falls inward, I'd be plunged into a rotating mess of gears and it might just feel like I've been put in a blender. Cream of Nishan doesn't sound too appetizing, but the people that were lucky enough to be standing in front and behind on the escalator me would get a taste.

I did give this plenty of thought, more than I should have

Still, I will take the trains to school and if I do die, touch wood, then, well unlucky for me I suppose

Maybe I'll throw a camera onto the tracks in front of a train and see what happens

If I do, I'll tell you.

If I really do get run over a train and I die, I'll still come back and tell you in my deformed, crushed, mutated form.