I posted a half-finished script some time ago

I edited it, to make it less gloomy

But, it is funny

But of course, i've never written comedy in my life

So it's shocking, although the plot is all over the place now

I plan to continue it, on a day when I have no homework due the next day

Which might be never in the history of forever.

Act 1,Scene 1.

Scene opens showing a deserted street next to two houses with papers, rubbish, dirt all over. An overflowing trash can is at the side. A “Missing Person: Rewarding Eternal Peace if found” poster is on one of the walls. An old lady, Gayle, is sweeping the rubbish off her doorstep with a broom and onto her neighbor’s. A man, Frank, walks into the scene smoking a cigarette and stops to read the “Missing Person” poster.

Gayle: They never pay up. Don’t even bother.

She opens her house door and goes inside it carrying the broom. Closes door behind her. The door of another apartment block opens and a young lady, Erica, steps out of it carrying a broom. She proceeds to start sweeping all the rubbish on her doorstep to Gayle’s doorstep.

Frank: Eternal peace.

Erica: Can’t afford to give them anything more. Finishes sweeping the rubbish onto Gayle’s doorstep and picks up a watercan to water the dead flowers in a flowerpot. What’s a well-dressed man like you doing on a street like this anyway? If you’re a spy, you’re not very undercover you know.

Frank: I’m not a spy Holds out his hand for a handshake

Erica: Puts watercan down and shakes his hand awkwardly Erica Black. You’re odd.

Frank: No, I’m Frank. That’s what my friends call me.

Short pause. Frank sits down on the steps of Erica’s apartment block. She sits down beside him.

Frank: A real-estate agent promised us a good deal on an apartment here. He was supposed to meet me here. I guess I’m early.

Erica laughs loudly

Frank: Laughs along. What's so funny?

Erica: And I thought no one would actually want to live here! Wipes a tear You are odd.

Frank: But what’s wrong with here? This seems like a nice place.

Erica: I don’t think you are mentally stable. Besides, everyone who lives here is insane anyway… you’ll fit right in.

Frank: What do you mean?

Erica: OCD spreads like the flu. We have vaccinations for the seasonal demonic possession. The rector from that block would treat them Nods towards right side of stage but who exorcises the exorcist? He was one of the longest lasting. Died about five months after he started speaking backwards.

Frank: I'm, a Pentecostal.

Erica: Keep telling yourself that, Mr. Frank, and you'll be just fine.

A brightly dressed man flounces into the scene from the right side of the stage. He comes to Erica and kisses her hand.

Freddie: Mademoiselle! Why art thou so fair?

Erica: Stand up and takes back her hand I… I don’t know.

Freddie: And you are Mister….Frank Arthur?

Frank: Stands up Are you the Real Estate agent.

Freddie: Estate agent, yes. Real, I really I don’t know. Walks over and examines the dead flowers.

Erica: To Frank He thinks he’s a ghost.

The door in the apartment block beside Erica’s opens and Gayle steps out clutching her chest.

Freddie: At Gayle. BOO!

Gayle: My poor heart! Faints

Frank and Erica turn to look at Gayle’s fainted form, and then turn to each other again. Freddie removes his coat and puts in on one of the steps, and bends down to examine the dead flowers further. Frank shakes his head and walks over to Freddie.

Frank: About the house we talked about....

Freddie: Straightens up The one you were to move in once the original owner was deceased? That would be…looks around…this one. Points to Gayle’s house. Frank and him stare at Gayle’s dead body Well what do you know, you can move in now! Claps hands together and says quickly Now about the mortgage bill, since there weren’t many complications it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. You just need to buy the land and wonderful, you’re done. I’ll get my helper to put the bill in your mailbox today evening, pay me in the morning and the house is yours!

Frank: Stutters B-but what about the body?

Freddie: What body?

Frank points to Gayle.

Freddie: Walks over to Gayle and nudges her with his feet. Oh, this body.

Frank nods.

Freddie: Thinks for a while Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of the great…Gayle Hempsworth who has helped many of through thick and thin. She will be dearly missed by all who knew her. Amen. There, now she can rest in peace.

Erica starts crying

Frank: But, I don’t want to look at her resting in peace.

Freddie thinks for a while. He walks over to his coat, picks it up, and lays it over Gayle’s body. Then looks back at Frank.

Frank: That hardly helped.

Freddie: Well fine. Bends over to pick the coat up.

Frank: Stops him No, just…just leave it there.

Freddie: If there is anything else. I’ll be off now.

Frank: Yes, that would be just fine.

Freddie: Au revoir. Takes Erica’s hand and makes to kiss it. She is still crying so he hesitates and lets her hand fall, and nods to her instead. Mademoiselle.

Frank stares after him as the lights dim and the scene ends.

Act 1, Scene 2.

The scene opens on the same street as Scene 1. Erica and Freddie are looking out of her window as Frank is helping an old lady out of a car. There are bags and briefcases on the pavement. Frank and his mother, Mrs. Arthur, are moving into Gayle’s house.

Frank: Careful mother.

Mrs. Arthur: I can do it by myself

Mrs. Arthur whacks Frank with her walking stick and hobbles down the driveway into the house. Frank picks up all the bags except for one briefcase and hurries in after her. Freddie and Erica come out of the other house and start searching the briefcase.

Erica: Throws aside a shirt. Where do you think Mr. Arthur is?

Freddie: Only Mr. Arthur will know.

Erica: It’s not as if we ever find anything worth selling you know.

Freddie: Throws aside a jacket. That’s not the point. The point is to find out more about the person who is moving in, so you know how to act towards them.

Both of them stop searching and stare at the bottom of the briefcase in shock.

Erica: Well. I know how to act towards him now.

Frank comes out of the house. Freddie starts filling the briefcase back up again. Erica walks towards Frank and slaps him on the face, before stomping back to her house Frank puts his hand over the place where she had slapped him.

Frank: Why?

Freddie puts everything back into the briefcase and closes the lid, before dusting his hands in disgust, walking towards Frank and slapping him on the face as well. Freddie then walks over to Erica’s house and knocks on the door. Erica opens the door and slaps him on the face, before shutting it loudly. Freddie storms out of the scene. Erica opens the door and throws Freddie’s coat and hat out of her house. Freddie comes back into the scene to get them.

Freddie: Solemnly We do not associate with people who use reptile skin briefcases, Monsieur. Think of all the poor crocodiles you’re killing.

He storms back out again. Frank picks up his briefcase.

Frank: Yells after Freddie Its snakeskin!

Erica: From behind the door So’s your face!

Frank storms back into his house and slams the door loudly behind him.

Act 2, Scene 1.

The Scene opens showing a well furnished room, with a fireplace at one end, with a mantelpiece on top, a rug and a dining table with six matching chairs. The table is filled with food and Freddie is lighting the candles on the table. Erica comes into the scene bringing a giant roast chicken and setting it in the middle of the table.

Freddie: Remind me why we are doing this?

Erica: We are doing this to welcome the new neighbors.

Freddie: Ah…

The doorbell rings. Erica walks over and opens the door. Mrs. Arthur and Frank are standing outside. Freddie flounces over to Mrs. Arthur and kisses her hand.

Freddie: Mademoiselle! Why art thou so fair?

Mrs. Arthur: Blushes Oh, it must be the lighting.

Frank: Hello, Freddie.

Erica comes forth to stand beside Freddie. Freddie straightens up.

Freddie: Greetings, Frank. Turns to Mrs. Arthur and smiles. May I have the honor of taking your coat, Mrs. Arthur?

Mrs. Arthur: Why yes. To Erica. He is a handsome young man.

Erica: He knows.

Frank: Thank you for inviting me, Erica.

Erica: Stiffens. I invited your mother. She brought you along.

Erica turns, walks to the table, and sits down. Frank follows behind and takes a seat. Freddie helps Mrs. Arthur into her seat and takes his own. The doorbell rings again.

Erica: I’ll get it.

Freddie holds out both his hands.

Freddie: And now, we say praise.

Frank and Mrs. Arthur join their hands with his. Erica opens the door and a young lady and an old man are standing outside. Erica exclaims from the door.

Erica: Good lord!

Freddie: That will do. Takes his hands back and reaches for a piece of bread.

Erica: Dad!

Young Lady: I found this poor dear wandering around the park. And then I remembered the poster. Is he yours?

Mrs. Arthur: Looks towards the door Bill!

Frank: Looks towards the door Bill?

Freddie: Looks towards the door. Young lady! Join us!

The young lady walks towards the table. She sits down and starts eating. Gayle’s ghost comes into the scene. Mrs. Arthur looks at Gayle’s ghost and exclaims.

Mrs. Arthur: My poor heart! Faints.

Bill: Elena! Runs over to Elena

Frank: Mother!

Freddie: To the young lady. Pass the gravy.

The young lady passes the gravy. Erica closes the door and runs to tend to Mrs. Arthur. Gayle’s ghost walks over to Freddie.

Gayle’s ghost: You! I want my revenge!

Freddie: Mademoiselle! Why art thou so fair?

Gayle’s ghost: I’m dead!

Freddie: Do the dead eat?

Gayle’s ghost: Sometimes.

Freddie: Then join us!

Gayle’s ghost shrugs and sits down in Mrs. Arthur’s place. She takes a piece of bread and starts eating. Mrs. Arthur comes back up.

Mrs. Arthur: After all these years…

Bill: To see my sister again.

Frank: Your sister? Mother, you never told me you had a brother.

Mrs. Arthur: I thought you were dead…

Bill: So did the doctors. They buried me. But technically I was alive so of course I could get out of the coffin. I didn’t know the way home. But then, Angelica came along. And we married of course. And I guess, I’ve been living apart from my sister all these years.

Erica: Well, if you’re my dad, and you’re his sister…then Mrs. Arthur, you’re my aunt?

Frank: And that makes us cousins.

Erica: I’m overwhelmed.

Erica stands up and walks to the chair beside Freddie. Freddie hands her a chicken leg and she starts eating. Mrs. Arthur moves and sits as far away from Gayle’s ghost as she possibly can.

Young Lady: There was something about a reward...eternal peace? How am I supposed to get it?

Freddie: Have you sinned?

Young Lady: Nothing too horrible.

Freddie picks up a carving knife from the table and stabs her in the chest. She falls on the floor, dead. Five second pause. The young lady gets up from the floor again as a ghost. She clumsily sits back down on the table.

Gayle: It takes a bit of getting used to, once you’re a ghost.

The young lady nods. She picks up her fork and starts eating again. The scene ends.